My friend wrote this on his blog and I echo his sentiments so I have decided to include it here as well:

suddenly i have rekindled a passion for the weary and heavy laden christian. i am reminded that when i displease God, i should encourage my brothers and sisters. i want to start here, where you are. where you're discouraged. where you've failed.

may you find God's overwhelming love and acceptance, again and again. may you reignite passion. may you rekindle hope. may you rediscover truth. may your path be made straight. may your words fall on deaf ears. may you endure hardships. may you bask in the infinite peace of God. may you store treasures in Heaven. may you become weak. may your prayers be heard.

perhaps it is true that God does not count how many times you fall, but how many times you get up. perhaps God understands your self-hatred and disgust with your sin. perhaps God loves you regardless of how many times you turn your back on Him. perhaps God wants you to come only broken.

sometimes i am afraid that my sin will indefinitely separate me from God. i lose hope. i forget God's promise. He will never leave me nor forsake me. i feel spoiled. like God's injustice is in my favor. is God content if i quit the big sins and don't worry about the little sins? if all sin is the same, then i'm screwed. there's no way i can become righteous. how is God pleased with a saint/sinner? can i trust Him to provide? how do i show my commitment to God if i will inevitably go on sinning?

there's no other way it could work. i must come back to Him.

i think there is something heavily spiritual about the inability to break through to the inner court, to the throne of God. the veil was torn, but we've put it back up. there is denial there. there is fear there.

i love football movies. but i've seen some cheesy pep-talks for a worn out climax that could only work on a big screen. this reminds me of christians. we're the worst for encouragement. but i think it's deeper than our reputation. i think it's ultimately a lack of faith. it's a spiritual battle.

the idea of true encouragement is a very lost one. the lifting of spirits... encouragement means to give courage. true courage, in the life of a christian, is not an emotion. it is not an attitude. it is the unleashing of intrinsic boldness.

i want to encourage you, not inspire you.

Father in Heaven, send your Spirit to guide us, to rest on our shoulders, to make our paths straight. let us tear down the veil to your secrets once again. let us worship You until our breath runs dry. let us pray until the rocks cry out. let Your truth burn on our tongues. let us storm through the valleys and shout from the mountain tops. let your Kingdom come down. let us have faith once again. give us the Holy Boldness, sharpen our tongues, teach us to pray. let us hear your voice, o God of Elijah. let us see your face, o God of Moses. let us sing Your name, o God of David. let us be with You, o God of Israel. in Jesus' name, Amen.

may you never believe prayer to merely be a thoughtful gesture.

-AP Aug. 15, 2006

Recently as you may know, I have been reading the scriptures as often as I can. Why? Because I am tired...I am weary of walking in a valley riddled with bones, dry, musty, nasty bones. I have been beaten down by sin, I have been broken as I ran to Christ, I have been lifted up only to give way to pride and fall to be beaten by sin and broken again and yes, I still have risen again. Because I am convinced that my body is dead because of sin but that my spirit lives on because I have been made righteous through faith in Jesus Christ and that to stay down would be to die again. No instead I will press on and if I fall, I will get back up and push forward. It can be hard, it often seems as though I set my eyes on the stars and fall because of a single straw.

Anyways, I digress, I have been reading the scriptures and up until the book of Romans I was doing fine, but Romans I struggled through, I read it and didn't understand it and so I prayed and asked for understanding and re-read it...then my spirit breathed a sigh that told me I had understood it (though maybe not fully, I had a feeling of peace about it that I had not been able to receive when I did not understand).

Recently some of the evil in my heart was revealed to me and I was reminded, in my remorse and disillusionment of Romans 12 which actually, and surprisingly offered comfort to me. So, I leave you with a simple scripture reading. I have nothing to say on it, I just wanted to share my heart with you, to share that I am struggling forward, and that it is indeed a struggle and to share God's word. Enjoy and be blessed.

Romans 12
Living Sacrifices 1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Love 9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord. 20On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[e] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

"Some Jews who went around driving out evil spirits tried to invoke the name of the Lord Jesus over those who were demon-possessed. They would say, "In the name of Jesus, whom Paul preaches, I command you to come out." Seven sons of Sceva, a Jewish chief priest, were doing this. (One day) the evil spirit answered them, "Jesus I know, and I know about Paul, but who are you?" Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding. "

-Acts 19:13-16

I have to admit, as I read this passage of scripture this morning I almost laughed. I have this picture in my head of these guys who are completely awed by what’s going on with Paul and Christ (though I get the feeling they have little belief in Christ, if any). I see these characters running around "picking" on demons for lack of a better term – kind of like a group of kids harassing another kid or something – poke poke. And then they poke one who doesn’t shudder…and his lips curl into a snarled smile as he says words that sound mocking and must have been terrifying: "Jesus I know, and I know Paul…..but who are you?" Then the two run away humiliated and hurt. It seems like a cartoon almost. Like I said….I ALMOST laughed.

The reason I didn’t laugh was not that I don’t see some humour here, it was because I saw something else in here, something that I didn’t think mattered at one time and I am not so sure now.

See, for me the words "Who am I?" have been haunting and ever since grade 10, after a bout of very strong depression I have tried to avoid answering this question by being content with knowing who I am not. And I will admit that knowing who I am not has helped me in part to know who I am, if you’re lost, don’t worry because it doesn’t matter that much. (If you’re still curious as to what I meant, leave a comment and I’ll reply) Back in grade 10 I hit a rough patch in which I became depressed to the point of having a plan to commit suicide. What could ever cause me to want to kill myself? Gasp! I don’t know, all I know is that I was VERY depressed and that a number of different things – including my identity : Who am I? – contributed to that depression. So yes, "Who am I?" has been a question that I did not want to encounter again, but in light of this verse I wonder if maybe I should give the question a little more weight?

For a while now I’ve been going back and forth between the idea that the name of Jesus commands power and I truly do believe that, but looking at what the demon said…I wonder, does it carry power if there is no belief? I know the scriptures say that anyone who calls on Jesus to save them will be saved and I have often believed that that had a double meaning, one being salvation and eternal life and the other being that you will be saved (ie: miraculous survivor from a car accident). And then there was the time when Jesus disciples bragged saying: "Teacher," said John, "we saw a man driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us." (Mark 9:38) to which Jesus replied: "Do not stop him," Jesus said. "No one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me," (Mark 9:39). So in this case a man was actually able to cast out demons with the name of Jesus though he wasn’t a disciple and perhaps this meant that he was not even a complete believer either. So then how come these men failed? Was it due to one line that betrayed their belief? "…whom Paul preaches."…did this betray that they did not believe in the name of Jesus but were instead testing?

After reading this passage of scripture I think that knowing who we are is of benefit and may even be crucial to our faith though I’m not completely sure. And who am I? Who are you? Well this is who I am:

I am (insert name here). A man who is fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14). I am a man who has been known by God since before I was born (Ps. 139:15,16). I am a man who is guilty of sin (Romans 3:23) and yet loved by God (Ephesians 5:2). I have been made new (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I am a friend of God (John 15:15). I am a Christian.

"He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust, and he therefore does not expect his fellow Christians to be anything more. He overlooks ten thousand of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks twenty thousand in his own case. He does not expect perfection in the creature, and, therefore, he is not disappointed when he does not find it. When our virtues become more mature, we shall not be more tolerant of evil; but we shall be more tolerant of infirmity, more hopeful for the people of God, and certainly less arrogant in our criticisms."

- C.H. Spurgeon

Recently I was humbled by a man whose opinion I value. I was speaking Christianese and though I meant no harm or condemnation by what I was saying, I was definitelly being hypocritical. I cannot recall the exact topic, but I know that it had to do with accepting people and then in the next breath I said something that seemed less than accepting. Maybe accepting is the wrong word, I don't know and honestly I don't care either. The point was that I was hypocritically placing myself up on a pedistal and, as is the case with many - if not all - pedistals things got shaky fast and I fell from that point of pride...and man did I fall! WATHUMP!

The bumps and bruises did not stop there though....Nope not at all. I was discussing different topics with one of my friends and mentioned that I have yet to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I said this because I have not spoken in tongues or healed or prophesied in Jesus name to my knowledge. My friend quickly and boldly put me in my place telling me that I have been filled but have not yet lived it out in accordance with the truth. Basically he said "we prayed for you. Yes you have!" I was humbled twice.

And if that was not enough, I was humbled a third, fourth and fifth time as I found myself - thinking that by my knowledge of the scriptures I was strong enough to face temptations alone - falling into various inclinations to sin...in plain terms...I blew it. I did what I knew to be wrong in God's sight and sinned against God. Man was it humbling...to be honest, as I write these words I feel quite inadequate to claim any authority over these words, however I say them with confidence not of my own. (though doubt creeps in with these words - I hope).

What does it mean to be humble? What is humility? What does it look like? Feel like? And what does a life lived in confident humility mean to me? How do you become humble? Why is it necessary? These are questions for which I do not have the answers at this time. And the more I think on humility and even from what I see in the scriptures I find myself with more questions...like how is it that humility is so prized in the kingdom of heaven when it always sounds like a (for lack of better word) punishment to the proud?

Think on it.